I’ve tossed and turned since one am, and now at three, I’m up.
There are a few things, I suppose, that cause one to reluctantly rise at the hour usually reserved for nightmares. As a child, nightmares woke me often, until I learned to control them. And still there is a nameless fear lurking in the shadows at that hour, keeping us huddled under the covers, unwilling to test the darkness for what may be waiting there. It is the hour when we are most likely to question ourselves, our lives, our longings, our fears… It is sometimes when we make hard decisions, and face difficult truths. However, it was not bad dreams or a guilty conscience that robbed me of my sleep, but unrelenting pain. Most times I can push the pain to the back of my mind, and go about my business. This past week, though, it has been…insistent. Of course, since I am up, questioning myself seems the thing to do. It’s the same old problem-how to keep Mom entertained so that she’s not so lonely. My guilt over this is so pervasive that I avoid spending time with her at all, sometimes. When I have a million other things to do, (not to mention the things I would like to do) it annoys me to have to sit and watch her nap. She really just wants someone to be there with her, talking at her without requiring replies, so that she knows she’s not alone. No longer satisfied to simply be among what’s happening, she wants to be firmly at the center of all the attention. And honestly, I can’t blame her. She has always taken a supporting role, it’s her last chance to play the lead. After so many years of sacrifice she’s earned a little selfishness. I realize, too, that being a little selfish myself now and then is not just OK, but necessary. I believe that all of these things will ease in the future, I am going to take full advantage of the services we can get through Medicaid for Mom. I’m not sure how else I will be able to handle things after surgery.
I’ve managed to fritter away my time again this morning, with dark musings and mindless wandering through the internet. I’ll admit I spent some time nuzzling the soft spot behind Einsteins’ ear, as well. He groans, and resettles himself when I do it, but I think he likes it. He’s gained weight and is finally grown into his feet. I take him in for a booster shot today, and it will be interesting to see how much he has gained since the last visit. And it will be a good test of the Thundershirt, even though this time I will be with him. Then, sometime today, our visitors will arrive. The excitement of two other dogs to play with will make Einie forget the Vet entirely. Now, I could sleep. I think my muse has already departed for the land of nod. I believe I’ll follow.